Weird Spot

I'm just in a weird place right now and it's hard to explain. I know I've been dealing with depression most, if not all my life. I vividly remember at 16 waking up in the middle of the night, Mom was still up, going to her and telling her that something was wrong with me. I couldn't put it into words then either. I remember begging her to help me, fix me, make me right. She dismissed me and told me there was nothing wrong with me. She was my Mom, she was right and I went to bed, never to be helped.

It took a total break down to realize she was wrong. So very wrong. I wish I could put words to my feelings right now but I can't. I'm just blue, very blue and I'm not sure how to fix me. I usually take a few weeks and snap out of it but I have a feeling that this time, that won't be the case. The husband is very worried, he's seen me like this before and he's totally ill equipped to help. So, he does what a good husband does and stands beside me, gives me pep talks and cheers me on. Some days I like it, most I don't. I know he's just trying to help.

I've been in therapy on and off for about 10 years. I get to a point where I think what demons I'm battling are gone only to have them surface again in some other form. I think it's time to talk to someone again. I'm beyond helping myself and I'm beyond pep talks. I need to know what is causing this depressive episode so I can deal with it if it comes back in the future. I'm trying to be proactive even though the only thing I want to do is crawl into bed and forget about the world.

I'm ok with whatever my therapist has in mind. I've been taking an anti-depressant for 10 years, sometimes in large doses sometimes in small. I'm ok with whatever she has in mind as long as I'm not some drooling zombie who's numb to the world. I need to be aware, alert, so I can work on this problem with her. But right now, I need to talk to someone, someone who can help.