Monday, June 26, 2006

Prayers Needed

My friend Holly needs prayers for her husband's cousin. This bright, beautiful girl has cancer and the doctors can no longer do anything to help her. I know in my heart God has a plan for her but I can't help but feel that she's needed here more. If it's not too much trouble can you please keep this little girl in your prayers. She needs all we can give her right now.

Lizzie's story and blog: http://www.caringbridge.org/ne/lizziegirl/

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Emotionally Exhausted

I'm emotionally exhausted. I've forgotten how utterly draining casework can be. There is so much to be done and I'm not sure where to start. I have an entire legal size page full, front to back of things I need to do and accomplish. I start training on Monday for 2 weeks. 2 weeks more, I'm not going to be working with my clients to facilitate change. It frustrates me.

Due to confidentiality I can't go into my 12 cases here. Lets just say that there are issues, lots and lots of issues. I'm dealing with 12 pre-teen and teenage girls. Some have babies, some don't. Some have fathers, some don't. Some have mothers some don't. Some are wards of the State, some aren't. The things they have in common are abuse, neglect, poverty, instability, gangs, drugs and poor choices in friends. Those are the things that got them where they are.

I spent the first day on the job going over, case by case, each of the girl's history. Thick files of their physical and psychological health, education, home life and criminal records. I'm so out of touch. I didn't grow up like these girls did. I can't relate. My father never beat or raped me. My mother never had a new boyfriend every week. I never had friends that encouraged me to steal cars and do drugs. I didn't have brothers or sisters that spent most of their lives locked up. I feel so out of touch with these girls. How can I be the force or change when I haven't lived their lives?

I'm afraid this is task is going to be like nailing jello to a tree, but not that much fun. BUT, and you knew there was a but, but, this is what I want to do. This is what I NEED to do. This is what I feel I've been called to do. I want to be a force of change in their lives. I can do this, if it doesn't kill me first. I CAN do this.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Food For Thought, Part 2

Every day, passion speaks to us through our feelings. That's why when you allow yourself to become anesthetized by what others think, you literally block yourself from living the life you were called to live. I promise you that if you make a choice that doesn't please your mate, your friends, your mother, or whomever, the world will not fall apart. The people who truly love you want you to love yourself. And as you become clearer about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you, the first time around.

-Oprah Winfrey


Since starting this healthy eating and regular exercise routine I've spent a lot of time contemplating my food issues. Let me tell you, they are many. My weight has bounced from an emaciated 118 lbs. on my 5'7" frame to a whooping, none of your damn business! I've been all over the scale. Up, down, up, down and with those ups and downs have come major life changes. I see it now. I now know I seem to medicate with food. I acknowledge it and it will be something I have to work at every day.

It all started at birth. Mom, being the control freak that she is, made all of my baby food. Oh no, none of that Gerber crap, mother ground, pureed and smashed only the best for her baby. As a pre-schooler my mother would throw absolute fits because I didn't eat. She told my pediatrician that I was going to starve to death! Starve. To. Death. Now you mothers out there know that kids have more important things going on in their lives at that age than eating. Hell, Sesame Street is on and the Count is counting and I couldn't be bothered to take a bite of whatever my mother was coaxing me to shove down my gullet. One day in desperation, she actually measured the amount of food I ate and it equaled a whopping 2 tablespoons. Mind you this was one day, not an entire week. In a panic she called my pediatrician and told the good doctor of her plight of a non eating child. The pediatrician's response, "Joyce, don't force the issue. Kids know when they are hungry, she'll eat when she wants. If Krissy wants a cheeseburger for breakfast, make her one! Food is tricky with mother's and daughter's, don't push this issue, you'll create more problems than you are solving." Did mom heed the advise? Well, hell no. By God, she knew what was best for her child! And that my friends, are when the problems started.

I learned to eat, I didn't starve and in the 3rd grade or around age 9 I made the cognitive connection that me eating made my mother HAPPY, therefore, I ate and ate and ate some more. The more I ate, the less she nagged, the happier we all were and I ate till I was plump. Then came the comments from my grandmother, my mom's mom. I remember going to visit her on spring breaks and her putting me on a "diet". When most grandmothers spoiled their grand kids with homemade cookies mine made me boiled chicken and rice. Yum!

As I grew at an alarming rate in elementary into middle school, I thinned out. Puberty was good to me, I grew size C boobs over night and towered over most of the boys in my class. I was 5'5" in the 5th grade, not to mention popular with all that chest! Once I stopped growing, the eating didn't subside. In high school, I was 30 lbs. over weight but grew into my boobs, height and personality. Again, mom being the control freak that she is, couldn't stand me being over weight, so on the first of many diets I went, at 14. I shed the 30 lbs. but I also learned that mom didn't love me unconditionally, she only loved me if I looked a certain way. Everyone loves you if you look a certain way. At that point I believe my life long battle with depression started. All I wanted was to be loved unconditionally by my family, fat, thin, smart or stupid, but it wasn't to be. Consequently, being a plump teenager and being interested in boys was difficult. I had TONS of male friends, but no one person was a boy friend, per se. I wasn't confident enough with myself to be comfortable around boys. I was just everyone's friend.

In 1989 I left for college with a new found independence a few extra pounds, not to mention the inability to make good food choices. Mom cooked all of our meals so I hadn't the foggiest clue how to make decent choices. I'd always eaten what was put in front of me. Most woman gain the freshman "15", I gained the freshman 50! I came home from spring break that year to my mother putting me on yet another diet. I lost a few pounds but went back to the bad eating habits as soon as I was back on campus. If anyone is wondering, large quantities of pizza and beer are not healthful food choices. Moving out of the dorms into the sorority house the rest of my college years was a good move for me. In the house we had our house cook who was also a nutritionist. We ate healthy meals, every meal. I lost those 50 plus pounds and another 30. I watched as my sisters monitored their food carefully, some even doing the binge and purge action, some exercising to excess. I wanted to fit in so desperately that I restricted my food severely. I had to be thin to fit in. I tried throwing up once, but it grossed me out so badly I just stuck with restrictions and lots of studying. I was told by both my mother and grandmother that men loved smart, thin women. I wanted to be loved. Loved by my sisters, loved by a man and loved by my professors. I studied all day every day and I restricted my diet to 1000 calories, no more. It was a chore to seek acceptance all day, everyday.

I eventually graduated, took my first stressful job, met my husband and dropped to 118 lbs. All of my extended family on my husband's side met me at this emaciated weight. They never met the slightly plump or fat Kristin. As the stresses of planning a wedding, new marriage, job, home building, trying to conceive and life in general came as did the weight. I gained well over 100 lbs. as did the husband. He would laugh and tell people he didn't get fat by being lazy, he got fat because his new wife was a good cook. True as it is, we didn't do each other any favors. We both got lazy, busy, whatever and didn't take care of ourselves, not to mention we both medicated with food. Oh there was enabling, lots and lots of enabling.

A few weeks ago, at the fire department supper, husband's cousin said to me, "I remember how cute and thin you were when ya'll were dating." Thanks, I'm fat and ugly now, so noted. Verbalized comments like that sting. They cut. She didn't mean to hurt me, but it did. It's like I was hearing my mother say all over again, "You're not alright with me until you are thin." No one, to my knowledge, has ever discriminated against me because of my size. I'm the loud, funny one in the group, no one can't not like me! Everyone likes the funny, fat girl! Some time ago I was told by a male friend, in the course of conversation, that he wouldn't want to date me. Why I asked him, was it because of my weight? He said no, but somehow I don't believe him. That stung all over again and transported me back to being 16 again. Dejected by a male. Here I was, a bright, successful, happy woman feeling like she was a ackward teenager. In my memory bank of life that will forever stick like the time my grandmother stuck me in the ribs with her finger and said, "Fatty, fatty, 2x4, can't get through the kitchen door." I was 26 and we were in her kitchen, at Christmas. I was fat. When he rejected me I was 34 and I was fat.

I don't know what it is but for woman food, weight, love and acceptance are all intertwined. To men, food is just, well, food, nourishment, sustainence. I'll never understand why it's such an issue for women. Is it our culture, is it tv, magazines and movies? Is it our families? Sunday, my mother saw me in smaller clothes for the first time. She noticed how good I looked right away and said so. It felt good to finally hear something positive from her, but more importantly, I was proud of ME for the change I'd made. I, for the first time in 35 years, am making changes for me, not for her, not for doctors or the husband. Not for anyone. That is true progress.

Friday, June 16, 2006

County Grunt

I received word today that I am now officially employed with THE COUNTY. I start Thursday. God help me, I'm a glutton for punishment.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Open Letters

To The Online News Agencies (ie: MSN, Fox, CNN)- I will forever have Mr. Al-Zarqawi’s battered and bloody face emblazoned on my brain. Ever time I opened my internet browser the other day, up he popped. I realize that his death is newsworthy, but must we show a picture of his dead face? I finally changed my home page because I was tired of seeing that crap.

To Karl Rove-You are NOT invincible, you will be caught with your antics, not this time, but one day, my friend.

To Ben Roethlisberg-I’ve always maintained that stupid should hurt. Thanks for proving my point. How are parents suppose to get their kids to wear bike helmets when over paid assholes like yourself won’t wear a helmet to ride one of the fastest production bikes made? I realize this wasn’t your fault, some idiot turned in front of you and you weren't speeding, but still. Put a fucking helmet on next time, you aren’t made of Silly Puddy! Idiot.

To The Department of Defense-Now I know ya’ll are trying to not gloat too much about Mr. Al-Zarqawi’s death, but, please. I know you’re high-fiving each other in the corridors of the Pentagon. I have a question, if the intel was so good why didn’t you just capture him? Was it really necessary to drop bombs on a house, killing him and others in the process? Yes, he’s a crap-ass worthless sack of shit, but being happy about a death, any death, doesn’t make us better, it makes us look just as barbaric. Stop gloating already.

To Al-Zarqawi’s Successor-You know what happened to the last guy? It’ll happen to you to. You can take that to the bank. As long as Bush is in office you can’t run, you can’t hide, you will be found and suffer the same demise. You might want to re-think your career choice.

Whew! I feel better.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Alligator Mouth

I'm good about listening to my alligator mouth over ride my hummingbird ass. It used to happen a lot. I'm learning, it's been a lot of trial and error and good dopeamine altering drugs, but I'm learning. God bless the drug companies, amen.

As I was saying, about a year ago I made a huge mistake, colossal in fact. I alienated a perfectly decent, honest and nice friend. I said some things that at the time, seemed appropriate, now, not so much. I'll spare you the details, they ain't pretty. I'm such an ass. I feel like an ass, as I rightly should. Yellow isn't my color and here I sit with egg on my face.

I don't know how to fix it and it's going to take more than an I'm sorry. There might be groveling involved and I'm not a good grovel-er besides I have the knees of a Baptist. Ugh, I'm such an idiot. What was I thinking?

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Tomato Talk

Me: Put that tomato back!

Husband: Why? Dad grew them for us.

Me: Correction, he grew them for ME! Remember him showing you "Kristin's tomatoes" at Easter?

Husband: Where are the ripe ones?

Me: Gone.

Husband: Gone where?

Me: My stomach. I suggest you put that tomato down and step away before I'm forced to hurt you. I don't play when it comes to my home grown tomatoes.

Husband: You really want to wrestle me for a tomato?

Me: Yep and if I break a nail in the process then I'll really be pissed.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Random Tuesday

Have I told ya'll lately how happy I am to be blogging again? You'd never know it by my infrequent posts, but I am. Bloggers are great people and I so enjoy reading everyone. I might not post a comment on every post but trust me, I read every one. Ok, just had to put that out there.

This post is going to be nothing but randomness, because, well, I've just got tidbits here and there.

Remember my friend Lori that popped up outta nowhere a few months back? She's back from maternity leave after 3 months. I got an email from her last week. Did I tell ya'll I wanted to make her a mini album she could leave on her desk at work to showcase the new bambino? Yeah, well the plan was to go see her in the hospital in Austin, take her flowers and the album until I was told that she wouldn't be accepting visitors, not by the nursing staff but by HER! Ok, yeah, fine, that cute little album will now be going to my friend Brandi who's due in September and who will appreciate it more. Thanks for the push away, I really needed that Lori.

In her email she told me all about the birth and how tired she is and how she didn't have the time to call, send pictures, email etc. I understand, she's a new mom. She asked how we were doing and I sent her a fairly lengthy email about the goings on in our life. Her response, more about her and the baby. Thanks for that lack of acknowledgement. Your emails will be short and sweet from here on out. You never change Lori, duly noted and entered into the record. I have zero desire to include her in my close circle of friends. I'll be polite and pleasant to her but that's it.

If ya'll haven't read Jack's http://www.texas-music.blogspot.com/ June 3rd post, please do. It got me thinking about the bond children have with their parents. I could devote an entire BLOG to my folks. I'll have to settle and put it in a few posts instead. To sum it up quickly, I wish I had a close bond with them. Well, wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which fills up first! At one time we were so close but their inability or allow me to make my own decisions about my adult life drove a wedge between us. It's all about control and being controlled. It's not healthy and we all suffer because of it. As much as I dislike my mother, I'm so very much like her in some ways and so very different in others. I'm different because I recognize her bad habits and strive to change them in myself. All I desire is a close relationship again, but it won't happen. Ever. I mourn that fact daily. Don't let me forget to tell you about our latest conversation where it was brought up that my dogs aren't welcome at her house because she doesn't like dogs inside. HELLO, they don't damage anything. They don't pee or make messes. They're good dogs. Millie has been visiting since she was a pup! Stop being such a control freak for one damn minute so your daughter, son in law and dogs can come visit!! It won't fucking kill you, I promise! I'm not really feeling the need to go visit any time soon. I dare her, DARE her, to ask me why I haven't been up to see them. Dare. Her. She is the one that alienates. That is squarely on her shoulders.

The husband's business is doing good. I'll have to post the entire story about how it came about, it's quite comical actually. He still has his full time job and this business is strictly part time for now. He wants to grow it so he can quit the day job and some point and be in business full time. Oh to dream! I wish he was home more, but I understand why he can't be here all the time. I'm supportive of him and his efforts and quite proud that he's making a dream of his come true.

Speaking of jobs, I'm still trying to wait patiently to hear something about a new job. I've jumped through all their hoops, offer me the job already!! Background checks suck and they take forever. It's now just a waiting game. Patience, grasshopper, patience. The contact for my current job is sitting on my desk, it's due the 16th. I can't bring myself to sign it and send it back to HR. I've been mulling over going back to school for some time now. I'd be a professional student if the pay was decent. I'm trying to narrow down my options. I'm thinking a MPA (masters in public administration) MSW (masters in social work) or MCJ (masters in criminal justice). If you have any ideas of what I can be when I grow up, hit me with your ideas. I'm all ears. The only saving grace, my grades were good enough in my post grad work that I won't need to take the GRE and I'm eligible for advanced standing. Praise Jesus! The LSAT was bad enough, I don't want to have to take the GRE. Bastard standardized tests!

I'm down a total of 37 lbs so far. I have weigh in tonight. My partner bailed on me. She started missing meetings with me, then going on different nights and I believe she's quit all together. I used to call her and check up and encourage her but she doesn't return calls. I helped her plan her husband's surprise 40th birthday party and after it was over in April I never heard from her again. I'm feeling used. She's dropped. Don't have time for shit like that or people who are users. Better to know this now, than invest time and energy in a friendship that will go nowhere (thanks for the lesson, Lori). My friend Denise will be joining me at Weight Watchers in a few weeks when she gets back from vacation. I so love her! She's just a good, decent, honest, loving person. I'm blessed to know her.

I've decided to take a free online class to learn how to digitally scrapbook. No, I'm not giving up my paper, scissors and glue. I didn't complete kindergarten for nothing, ya know! I'd like to learn how to use my photo editing software better and manipulate digital images. I can do all that and more with HP's digital scrapbooking basics class. If you're interested you can sign up here http://h30240.www3.hp.com/sessions/lessons/index.jsp?courseSessionId=4672 . You can even download free kits here http://www.twopeasinabucket.com/digitalKits.asp and a free trial version of Photoshop Elements here http://www.adobe.com/products/tryadobe/main.jsp#p40. The whole thing is FREE, that's so in anyone's budget. If you're interested, enroll and let me know so we can commiserate. The classes are two times a week and they begin June 15th. I can't wait to learn something new!

Ok done for now I think. I needed to post this so when I get stumped for things to write about I can look back for ideas. I hope everyone is having a great week!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

History Nerd

I'm a history nerd. There, I admit it. It's out there for everyone to see and read. You'll find me with my nose stuck in the biography section of the library, engrossed in whatever figure I'm fixated on this week. I just finished a book on Mary Queen of Scots. If I do read fiction it's usually heavily historical. I'm reading a series about the Amish now. Very interesting stuff. To add to the geek factor, I know the hows and whys of why WD-40 was created and I know Elsie the cow had a brother, Elmer, of white glue fame. How do I know this? Because, I'm a history nerd, pay attention!

I watch very little tv but when I do watch, it's usually something on PBS, the History Channel, National Geographic or Discovery Channel. I'm hoping one day I'll be on Jeopardy and my nerdiness will pay off, because quite honestly, I suck at Wheel Of Fortune. Last night I was taking it easy and was flipping channels and I came upon a series on C-Span. Ok, before you moan any louder, hear me out. It's a 9 hour series all about the Capitol Building. http://www.the-capitol.org The first 3 hours were last night, the next 3 are tonight and the last 3 are tomorrow. It's totally fascinating! It's broken down into 3 one hour segments and in between segments callers can call in with questions and capitol or national archivists or historians answer some of the best and most intriguing questions. One of the Capitol Historians has written a book and I totally intent to read it. See, my nerdiness just inched up a few notches. I can't help myself, blame my mother, she's a history nerd too. Who knew there was a history nerd gene? So if you like history, I'm recommending this series. Heck, you might even learn something, it'll be our little secret, one nerd to another.